Wal Dunphy and The Battlers playing a packed pub, the front row with schooners up

Satire · Fictional characters · Pub rock

Wal Dunphy& The Battlers

Four ageing larrikins, one tour van and a lot of opinions about the price of petrol. Songs for the front bar, the back paddock and the bloke who reckons a schooner shouldn't cost fourteen fifty.

The Price of a Schooner Meet the band

A note from Wal

G'day. Righto.

Wal Dunphy sitting on the tailgate of a ute on a red dirt road, battered acoustic on his knee

A note from Wal

We're not a real band. You probably worked that out when the drummer fell asleep in a photo.

But the price of a schooner is real. So's the servo, the rent, the power bill and the pollie who promised to fix all three. We sing about that. Loud.

We punch up. Never at the bloke next to you, never at the nurse coming off a double, never at somebody's nan. If you're at the top and you're stuffing it up, you're in a song.

Wal

P.S. Bazza says g'day. He doesn't, but he would if he talked.

The band

Four blokes.
One tour van.

01 / 04

Wal Dunphy

Vocals, battered acoustic

Plays: A brown acoustic held together with gaffer
Wears: Wide-brim hat, sleeveless flannel
Known for: Songs about the price of things
Never: Tells anyone how to vote

02 / 04

Snowy Dwyer

Lead guitar, backing vocals

Plays: Electric guitar, cranked
Wears: Black cowboy hat, black shirt
Known for: Solos one bar too long
Never: Explains a lyric

03 / 04

Bazza Collins

Bass, laconic

Plays: Sunburst bass
Wears: Black cap, black tee
Known for: A nod that means three things
Never: Misses a cuppa at the break

04 / 04

Mick Brennan

Drums

Plays: Drums, and the shed roof in a storm
Wears: Black cap, plaid shirt, work vest
Known for: Falling asleep anywhere
Never: Lends out his sticks

From the back of the van

Written by the band. Mostly by Wal.

Minutes, receipts, the logbook and the group chat. Found in the glovebox, under the seat and behind the esky. Nothing has been tidied up. Bazza wanted that noted.

The BattlersBand meeting · Back bar, Tuesday
Minutes taken by Wal (nobody else would)

Present: Wal, Snowy, Mick (asleep from item 3). Bazza: present, said nothing, nodded once.

Agenda

Price of a schooner. Up again. Song needed. Moved: Wal. Seconded: everyone, loudly.
Snowy's solo in "The Price of a Schooner" is now longer than the song. Snowy: "It's called feel." Motion to trim: carried 3 to 1.
Van rego. Due. Again. Hat passed round. Hat came back with a bottle cap and a servo receipt.
Pollie on the telly said "cost of living relief". Asked what that means. Still waiting. Song written in the meantime.
Mick's sticks. Who borrowed them? Nobody. Mick was holding them. Mick was asleep.
General business: we don't tell anyone how to vote. Unanimous. Bazza nodded twice. A record.

HIGHWAY SERVO
Pump 4 · 11:47 PM

Unleaded 62.4 L$141.03

Pie, mince$7.80

Sauce$0.80

Coffee, large (Mick)$6.20

TOTAL$155.83

SETLIST (back of this)
1. Price of a Schooner
2. Servo at Midnight
3. Rent Day Blues
4. Power Bill Polka
5. ~~Snowy solo~~ Snowy SHORT solo
6. Pie Was Three Bucks
encore: Schooner again, faster

BATTLERS (band stuff only)Wal, Snowy, Bazza, Mick

Today 6:02 AM

WalVan leaves 7. Bring your own pie money. Pies are $7.80 now. SEVEN EIGHTY.

SnowyCan we do the solo tonight

WalWe can do HALF the solo tonight

Mickwhos got my sticks

Snowyyou're holding them mate. in the photo you sent. while asleep

Bazza reacted with a thumbs up

WalThat's the most Bazza has said this year. Proud of you, mate.

Bazza left the chat · Bazza was added back by Wal

Van logbook Rego: still pending

Date	From, to	Km	Fuel	Notes
Fri	Shed, pub	14	$40	Snowy drove. Snowy solo'd the radio too.
Sat	Pub, bowls club	9	-	Played the barefoot bowls arvo. Lost. Sang anyway.
Sun	Bowls club, sausage sizzle	3	-	Paid in snags. Fair.
Mon	Sizzle, servo, home	61	$141	Pie $7.80. Wrote a song about it in the carpark.
Tue	Nowhere	0	-	Mick asleep in the van. Didn't want to wake him.

WalLast thing that made you write a songThe price of parsley.

SnowyShortest solo you've ever playedHaven't yet.

BazzaAnything to add(nods)

MickBest place to sleep on tourYes.

Letters to the bandDear Wal, you sang about the price of bread. My bakery put it up again the next week. Coincidence?

Mate, if I had that power I'd sing about rent. Wal

Letters to the bandDear Battlers, who do I vote for?

Whoever you reckon. We sing, you think. That's the deal. Wal

Letters to the bandDear Snowy, please play the long solo at the next show.

Finally, someone with taste. Snowy
(Wal: No.)

The Battlers are a made-up band. The receipts are made up too. The prices are, unfortunately, about right.

The single

The Price of
a Schooner

$14.50. We know.

A front-bar anthem for anyone who's stood at the taps doing the maths. Written over a beer and an argument, fact-checked with a highlighter, sung by the whole pub.

Coming soon to every store

Release date to be announced by the label. No dates are made up here.

The rules

How the bit
works.

1Punch up

Pollies, big companies and anyone in charge who's stuffing it up. Never ordinary people, minorities, disability, kids or victims.

2Real facts

Every political joke stands on a fact from a reputable Australian source, linked in the post. No made-up quotes, no allegations.

3Obviously a joke

Real politicians only as cartoons or drawn caricatures, never photoreal. Nobody's told how to vote, ever.

On the road

Fresh from
the van.

A pub specials board advertising Wal Dunphy and The Battlers tonight — Schooner $14.50 (we know)

The band pushing a broken-down white car while Wal plays on the roof — The van, day three.

The band playing at a lawn bowls club while a bowler takes her shot — Bowls club. She didn't look up once.

The band rehearsing in a corrugated iron shed — Rehearsal in Mick's shed.

The band playing behind a sausage sizzle — Sausage sizzle. Onions on top.

The band crowded into a small community radio studio — Community radio, 10pm.

The old Battlers look: a posed group shot with name captions — Before

The new look: the band mid-song at a pub gig beside the Schooner Fund bucket — After

The look

Sun-bleached
and loud.

The rebrand: faded pub-poster colours, a slab wordmark that looks screen-printed, Wal's handwriting for the asides, and typewriter for the facts. Real photos of real-looking places, never glossy.

Night

Bone

Rust

Schooner

Gum

Wordmark · Alfa Slab OneWal Dunphy

Asides · Permanent Marker& The Battlers

Facts · Special EliteSchooner: $14.50 (source: the bar)

Everything else · Inter TightShort, plain, Aussie.

Wal Dunphy & The Battlers are fictional characters, made with AI-assisted tools. Any resemblance to real people is a coincidence. All music written and produced by Ben Howat. A Bloody Oath™ act, released on Blackout Room Records.

Punch up, never down

Wal Dunphy& The Battlers

The Price of a Schooner The roster Put your song out

Wal Dunphy™& The Battlers